Online Dating Lingo

tinder

Admit it, we’ve all tried online dating at some stage. Tinder, OKC, Zoosk, Grindr… which ever popped up first in a Google search, you know how it goes.

Over time, you begin to get a sore spot from all the times you’ve ‘head-desked’ reading the cheesy lines under a headless/shirtless/snowboarding/I pat a tiger once pic. There seems to be a secret code behind the messages some men put in their profiles or bio. Don’t get me wrong, some are great to read, some guys really know how to work 500 characters or less, others, not so much. Or not at all… Blank profiles, amirite?!

Today my friend Tess and I were laughing about some especially shonky dating app one liners. Through her various online dating adventures she has used her wit to decode those phrases you’ll see in… let’s face it, every other male douchehobbit profile… ever.

Here is what Tess has learned about dating site lingo, over the years with my commentary added underneath:

What he says: “Easy going”
What he means: I’m going to make you crazy and I don’t want to hear you complaining about it.
Yeah if you could go ahead and stop being a dick and expecting us to just put up with it that would be great…

What he says: “No drama please”
What he means: I am a huge creator of drama and you are expected to put up with all of it.
He’s basically letting you know straight up that he intends to be a fuckboy and you are expected to accept that.

What he says: “I’m a positive person”
What he means: I am emotionally unavailable most of the time.
Yup, no one is positive all the time, unless you can just ignore it all and pretend nothing happened. Like an ostrich i guess…

What he says: “Please be financially secure”
What he really means: I am selfish with what’s mine and completely oblivious to the inequities of earning potential between men and women over the course of a lifetime.
He’s going to insist on going dutch every time. Or accidentally forget his wallet…

What he wrote: “Let’s be friends first”
What he actually means: I just wanna fuck.
Is this not the reversal of the friendzone?!

What his bio says: “I am sarcastic”
What he means: I am going to hurt your feelings on the regular. Deal with it.
Oh he gives no shits, racist, homophobic, transphobic, sexist comments… He was just being *sarcastic*… sheesh

What his profile says: “No baggage please.”
(COME ON. If you got to your 40s or 50s with no baggage, you have been dead from the neck up.)
He really means: Deal with your own crap and don’t bother me with it.
Don’t be a person. Be you, but don’t have thoughts and feelings and shit. You must revert back to your brand new, pre-dating life state. Oh, also please restore your virginity. Kthnxbye!

What it says: “I’m competitive”
What it really means: You won’t get a word in, and if you somehow do, I will immediately mansplain how wrong you are.
I. Must. Be. Right. I am a man dammit, bow before my superior skills and things and stuff…
Shove a sock in it dude, life isn’t a competition.

I am ever so grateful to Tess for these amazing insights, I have recently created an online dating account and I know first hand the challenges women come across in trying to decipher and navigate the insane amount of profiles there are for consideration. But listen guys, were on to you now… You wont be fooling us anymore with these ever-so-witty lines of bullshit…

 

(Disclaimer: I love men. You boys rock! I’m still actively trying to date you. However I can only comment on my own experiences and have included Tess’ because that lady just gave much words to my inner thoughts!)

This post is proudly bought to you by

Annwen

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